Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Sometimes I feel cliche.

I've been eating pizza and nibbling on cookies,
I'm starting to like sweet things.
I realized I went vegetarian for over a month.
I have been eating meat for a couple days and I can't tell if I dislike it any more
than I enjoy it.
I have become really into eating my vegetables.
I dream and dream and dream.
I dream of someone waking me with kisses,
I dream of kissing someone on the neck and
I dream of being close enough to feel the warmth of someone.

Someone; the anyone but the people around me.
Some reoccurring dream and phantom of my nights.

Today I read a quote " the cave you fear entering holds the treasure you seek".
I almost felt inspired.

Monday, September 21, 2009

This and that.

Yesterday a girl was assaulted and raped in my residence hall, I heard people say that it is impossible, but what about Kittie Genevieve.
Today has been rainy, wet and pretty, but something seemed missing.

I have been falling into a crush with someone I don't even know. Sometimes
I think that the fantasy is all I really want.
I saw here today and my desire had vanished. Sometimes the fantasy is all that really matters.

I'm not sure anymore.
It is really easy to fall through the ice, underneath is the void of meaning.
At least that is how I feel.

Sometimes I feel I need a cheerleader, someone to rise might and give me what I need to continue.
Life continues and so do I, in the end I exist.
Nothingness can be a bitch.

Monday, September 14, 2009

I covet. I also have bad memory.

Remember once you are blessed with money to aquire a

D490 USSR Russian 35mm camera LOMO LC-A COMPACT Automat

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Horrendous Beauty/ Impossible dream boat

Relieved from your clothing,
I imagine
vertically splitting
Right down the middle
of your chest with an axe.
I would see your heart,
pumps and valves starving
for more of what keeps you alive,
your porcelain skin, rose pedals on
You would make no sound.
The pain is less than you have suffered before,
I would look you in the eyes, we would
stare into each other.

Numbness consumes the pain
and intoxicating endorphins
lift your spirit.
I lose grip of my weaponry.

Slowly I walk towards you,
keeping a humble cadence.
I stopped, our faces were blurred.
We comfortably closed the world out,
we were left with the geometric patterns that
reside in us all.
I could easily hear your soft breath,
my hands warm and wet, I embrace
you internally, my arms warm and wet.
My lips feel yours and neither one of us
wanted this moment to end, but
I selfishly opened my eyes
and the self was all that remained.

going for the gold

A person wrote,
"Chase after that which is worthless and become worthless".
I wanted to say something, but I knew he would not understand.
Blinded by faith, he could not see that we are all.

I don't want to chase worth.
I hate the word worth.
I don't like seeing my world
in binary, Even if worth is a scale,
the subjectivity is

Saturday, September 12, 2009


IF sight is the result of rods and cones interpreting electromagnetic radiation,
smell the result of volatile chemicals breathed(taste is similar), touch the electron pulse triggered by matter and sound is the result of compression of gas, liquid or plasma, then I am merely a crude instrument.

If all that I said is true, then my mind, my brain is
all that I am.

If matter is in the end energy, then we all are the same energy.

Knowledge only exists in the mind, history and text electromagnetic radiation, words compression of energy, our body system is only energy.
Identity is an accumulation of these things.

Identity is merely an attachment to experience.
(Thoughts are an experience.)
I don't know what this means in the end.

Some call this divinity, divinity is bound to the third law of thermodynamics.
Entropy is the eventual end. After that there will only be stillness.

Monday, September 7, 2009

Golden bands of morning cast the topography of her body,
I catch myself.
Warmth heals me and the kiss cleanses.
And I want to make this atheist cry to god,
but instead I remain still.

Stillness is a virtue and to see what is actual,
to love the present aesthetic
to lose oneself to
the moment.

When I came to
she had hit the vanishing point.

I almost knew her name.
Her voice nearly breathed a memory,
Instead her face was smeared or absent.

Some days the birds are silent,
sometimes she can make them sing.

Stillness is crushing and crushing is stillness.

Man Ray -Retour à la raison

In lawrence everyday is happy hour.

1.75 Hamms
2.00 PBR
4.50 Manhattans

The only down side is that these places that offer cheap beer cost at least 3 dollars to enter.
Although good music usually hides within the walls of these buildings.

I have yet to figure out the purpose of this post.

Love is an illusion of dreams

Tonight I saw a hip to the hop show.
nothing fruitful. I would give up if I had something to give.
I'm in love with a person I do not know.
Love is always on hold for myself.
Do you like to hurt, I do , i do, i do.
I'm torn between love and love, of course I mean different loves.
Pure Chaos, Pure destruction ,Pure order.

Love is real, but so is hate.

Friday, September 4, 2009

For most of my day I was Trevor the misanthropist, but i dissolved.
I feel better now, after a discussion in my western civilization class. We discussed the trial of Socrates. My imagination was rampant today. I thought a female's head was a skull for a second, in archaeology I imagined people having sex on the linoleum floor whilst my professor professed and I imagined that a newspaper stand was on fire. I feel I have too many missed connections with people, there was a girl I wanted to talk to, but all I could say was "can I use your lighter, thank you".
I spied on her and watched her watch people and write in her journal. She seemed like she was in the same feeling as I.

Hey I like this album, you could too!


Thursday, September 3, 2009

First Post.

I've decided to abandon my livejournal, I feel that it has died. The death was of the purpose/ audience I was targeting, they left. I think that the subject matter will vary slightly, but I think this will turn out to be a profitable endeavor.
If you are ever curious and wish to read my old LJ just message me.
I think that I will post here what I don't want on facebook and/or anywhere else.

Be prepared for musings, music, art and other self indulgent shit.
Although this shit is subsistence.

Here are some paintings I enjoy.

Ferdinand Holder- Night 1889-90

James Abbott McNeill Whistler, Nocturne in Black and Gold: The Falling Rocket, 1875.

Manet, A Bar at the Folies-Bergeres, 1891-82