I would of never guessed I could feel the feeling of longing again. I thought I had killed my heart, suffocated my desire of love. I was wrong, it returned with a kiss. A kiss, A bite, A wound, A lovely wound. Something beautiful and frightening. I doubt myself at times, but I defeat it. I get thoughts of failure, skepticism and little horrors, but I realize it is only a result of experience and this is something new.
Something new and powerful. Maybe I just fear the magnitude of the possibilities. Or that this is all an illusion. Or maybe I fear having feelings this strong. I am failing to be my usual catatonic self.
I prefer to be alone, or at least I thought so. I almost certain I now prefer to be with you.
Oh god!( I thought of you again) [11:30 p.m alone out in the snowy night and smoking]
Separate occasion, different person. My chest hurts, symptoms of surviving a past tragedy. If only, if only, oh well, I'm not bleeding anymore, it's only tender now.
Please do not tear the stitches.
And do not make me go with new wounds.
If that is even possible.
What do I want, are you a friend I want to risk procreation with? I will, if you will. We can play house, make shooting star wishes, play on the jungle gym and see who can swing the highest.
We can be adults too, I can talk to you about philosophy and drink coffee at the cafe, here we can race heartbeats and sit close enough to smell each other, to know who's pillow is who's and feel less lonely by a simple, but beautiful smell. I would use your pillow when you have to go away.
I want you be free and equal and to do as you please as long as your loyal and honest. That is my only request.
Lately, I have lost connection to humanity. It seems that everyone is consumed by some fiction or another. I fill my head with escapes. I act like a robot at work to see how people respond, at work I also think about Truth, not truth, but Truth. I have concluded that Truth does exist, but moral Truth does not. The first reason is because if I were to say that there is no Truth is to make a fallacy of inconsistency. But to say that there is no moral truth this fallacy does not occur. This is but not only because morality is subjective. There is no absolute morality, but rather a multitude of morals. Morals and pragmatism blur into each other, but there is no god. Since there is no god there is no divine moral truth and since there is no moral truth there is only pragmatism. The illusions do not make it true. By illusions I mean believing in something that is not real, as in God. God is real. God is real in the mind of the believer. Just like the earth was once flat and the center of the universe. Just like the three monotheistic religions. Religion is merely a mechanism for surviving the briefness of our life.
Ahem.. I did no mean for that tangent against religions, but seriously religion sucks.
Anyways my conclusions on Truth is that it is real, but I'm far from grasping it.
On to a new subject.
Love. So far I've decided Love is an emotion. People connect on a close level and care for each other. What is close? I imagine that it is two people who live in similar worlds. As a result the two living together creates a less lonely existence. Caring is important because it creates a mutual benefit. Reciprocal altruism is key to a healthy relationship. I'm afraid that admiration for another is not love, but only an appreciation. Although a mutual admiration seems amazingly explosive and congruous with Love. Love is real, but it is important to keep love realistic and to not make it into a concept outside of manifestation. If love is real it is never going to be a fantasy, thus be careful not to make it as such or you will never fall in love.
Next and final vomit.
Gender. It's culturally relative. It's stupid and it is harmful. It is a result of sexual dimorphism, dichotomy of physical features falsely justifies social stratification and bigotry.
I mostly feel androgynous and asexual. I am not emotionally attached to my sexuality, but I do know that I enjoy sharing sexual experiences with a female body more than a male. Although, lately I have been disinterested in having sex, strangely enough it's sort of a sad imagery in my head. Off putting.
Some entertaining pseudo-eighties "hauntology". Really I do enjoy it, sometimes her voice is annoying, but I learned to accept it. It is music that transports you to some night club that maybe should or should not exist. I imagine purple lights, a strobe light, a fog machine and drugged people drinking Manhattans and dirty martinis. There would be only a few brave/ drunk people dancing. I would be chair dancing and drinking a Manhattan. Apparently the artist dropped out of college in Los Angeles, she was attempting to get a degree in philosophy. Instead she made an album. Hipster.